1. The Teleporter: It’s amazingly difficult to get my kids off to school on the bus every morning. One refuses to wear winter gear even in the middle of a sub-zero cold snap; the other is genetically incapable of leaving the house until the school bus is at the bottom of the drive and waiting. Where’s the teleporter, I ask you? No need to dress for the weather and one can procrastinate until the very last second. I need someone to invent this, like, before school goes back on Tuesday morning.
2. The Vulcan Mind Meld: There are things I will never understand about my husband by using mere communication methods. Why is he unable to notice wet towels on beds? Why must all cupboard doors be open at all times? What is it he finds so amusing about Seinfeld re-runs? With a Vulcan Mind Meld I could find out all these things. I will finally understand the strange workings of my husband’s mind. Want. Now.
3. The Space Elevator: I’ve been enjoying following Canadian astronaut, Chris Hadfield, on Twitter. Along with his charming, funny and fascinating tweets, he frequently links to pictures taken from the International Space Station. I have a hankering to go visit, explore the ISS, and get a load of that view with my own eyes. All without having to go through the schooling and training required to get into space. One space elevator, tout suite, merci. Just give me a book and hit the button for the penthouse.
4: The Babel Fish: I want one. I want one bad. Combine this with the teleporter and the world would be my oyster. Paris for breakfast. Moscow for lunch. Tokyo for dinner. And never once be in the embarrassing position of having to mime “I need the nearest bathroom NOW before I pee myself,” or worry that the grabby-handed guy on the subway is unable to understand my foul and insulting language regarding his appearance, his lineage and his breath.
5. Food Replicator: Oh, be still my beating heart. To never have to go grocery shopping again! To be able to feed finicky eaters by merely saying “healthy, balanced meal that tastes and looks like chocolate-covered popcorn.” To have something to serve to that inevitable vegan dinner guest with multiple food allergies and demands. To never again spend hours planning and preparing meals that my children look at suspiciously before asking what is for dessert. Please invent one, like, yesterday.
Is this too much to ask? Am I being unreasonable? I don’t need a phone that’s smarter than myself, a computer that reads my mind or a car that can parks itself. These five things above are what I want. What about you?